A feeling of unrest, a disquiet, a restless state where nothing brings you joy. All that you see is dark grey bleakness. You feel trapped, and do not see any light. Your soul remembers the vibrant blue skies, and the warm light, but they seem far, far away, in another time, in another place, eons ago. There is no way out, you feel trapped. The mind cannot stay still, endless ripples disturb the tranquility that could be. And it is meaningless, no direction to the minds wandering’s, no end apparent. Going in circles, round and round. Is there a way out, or is this going to go deeper, into the black, black hole, sucking me in?
You are on the edge. Even a small thing can set you off. That is frightening. It is one thing to have these goings on in your mind, and another to have it out in the open, for everyone to see. For everyone to see how vulnerable and low you are, is not tolerable. That would push you off the edge, you know that. It may be the point of no return and you dread that. Unknown to you, you become irritable. When you see your follies and weakness in others, you hit back, you get angry. They are wary. They don’t know what’s going on. They maintain a respectable distance. Little do they know, it is yourself whom you are angry at. Your confused mind does not make sense of the world and its happenings. You feel lost, and feel that you are an outsider. Everyone else is with the flow. Taking what life gives them, happy, sad, but involved, all the same. It is only you who feels that you are a bystander, an outsider, who is lost, far away from what you called home.
Where did I lose the way? Where did I stray? Why did my mind give up on me? Did I ask too much of it? Did I lose some part of myself? What happened? Who is to tell?
Where do I go from here? Am I doomed to go up and down, be joyless, bereft of enthusiasm, the elixir that I so hanker for? I reach out desperate, for some energy, for some vibrancy, for enthusiasm, but it is just so, out of reach. Visible, ephemeral, now there, but soon gone.
Depression. The bane of modern living, or maybe always so. The point where your mind gives up, hangs like a computer overloaded with tasks.
This is my story, my journey through the black hole. What I hope will be my metamorphosis. My growth.